3.03.2009

another one bites the dust

Revolting:

Re*volt"ing\, a. Causing abhorrence mixed with disgust; exciting extreme repugnance; loathsome; twilight.


i have a deep hatred for all things twilight. in fact, i feel justified in my detestation because i read all three books, and as of a few minutes ago, i have seen the movie as well. i have come to know the twilight series for what it truly is: CRAP.

first of all, let me explain why i truly despise that hateful character bella swan. she is immature, an idiot, a drama queen, unrealistic, and in the movie has only two personalities: dull and extremely dull. bella is the worst character in the literary world. even villians in other novels have better qualities. at least voldemort is an aspiring individual (evil aspirations are aspirations nonetheless), the white witch is intelligent, and even hannibal lecter appreciates a cultured lifestyle. but bella is none of these things. in the movie she can't even say a coherent sentence because either the actress is terrible or her stupidity is interfering with her words (i bet it's both). she stutters and babbles waaaay too much.

aside from distasteful bella, stephanie meyers just cannot write. at. all.

each sequential edward book/movie gets exponentially worse and the entire concept is now ruined.

vampires used to be cool. they used to be scary and fascinating. now, thanks to steph meyers, they are glorified, sparkly-diamond boys.

i hear there is going to be a new director for the next twilight film. i plan on sending them the following formal complaint:

dear person who is about to lose their reputation as a filmmaker,

run away from this project. run far, far away.

however, if the current effects of the economy are forcing you to take on this movie in order to provide bread for your family, then i suggest you take the following advice into consideration:

1. let the crouching-tiger-hidden-dragon-style running stay in asian films.

2. get a new actress to freaking replace bella swan.

3. also get a new actor for jacob. i thought he was supposed to be attractive?

4. no more random close-ups of eyes and lips. it's not seductive, meaningful, or classy. it's distracting and lame.

5. include at least ONE scene in which someone is HAPPY.

6. change edward's dialogue so he doesn't sound like a creepy stalker. when he told bella he felt "protective" of her and liked "watching her sleep", his face looked more like he wanted to slice her open and display her body organs in glass jars on a shelf. (at least, that's what i assume a creepy stalker would do to their victim)

7. don't expect me to see it unless i am forced to by brainwashing terrorists who bind me to a chair and use bent paperclips to hold my eyelids open.

love,

camille



3 comments:

lexio said...

I have decided that you should write a sappy romance novel aimed at teens. That earl story was about a million times better than twilight could ever dream of being :)
That way, you could make a fortune off of fanatical girls and go on tour someplace exotic and I would come with you as a body guard to keep all the crazies at bay, because I could totally do that....
anyhoo, I like this plan. you'd better get crakin' on that novel, because I am already packed for the tour.

gigi said...

AMEN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I can't say it enough: amen, amen, AMEN!
There are 4 books by the way. Sadly I've read them all as well. What a waste of brain cells.
The saddest part is how wealthy Stephenie Meyer has gotten off these books. Woe be unto you, you society of heathens...
Amen to Lexi's comment as well, you've totally got it made as a romance author.

Chels said...

I just have to say that your new picture is so cool! The end.