another one bites the dust

Revolting:

Re*volt"ing\, a. Causing abhorrence mixed with disgust; exciting extreme repugnance; loathsome; twilight.

i have a deep hatred for all things twilight. in fact, i feel justified in my detestation because i read all three books, and as of a few minutes ago, i have seen the movie as well. i have come to know the twilight series for what it truly is: CRAP.

first of all, let me explain why i truly despise that hateful character bella swan. she is immature, an idiot, a drama queen, unrealistic, and in the movie has only two personalities: dull and extremely dull. bella is the worst character in the literary world. even villians in other novels have better qualities. at least voldemort is an aspiring individual (evil aspirations are aspirations nonetheless), the white witch is intelligent, and even hannibal lecter appreciates a cultured lifestyle. but bella is none of these things. in the movie she can't even say a coherent sentence because either the actress is terrible or her stupidity is interfering with her words (i bet it's both). she stutters and babbles waaaay too much.

aside from distasteful bella, stephanie meyers just cannot write. at. all.

each sequential edward book/movie gets exponentially worse and the entire concept is now ruined.

vampires used to be cool. they used to be scary and fascinating. now, thanks to steph meyers, they are glorified, sparkly-diamond boys.

i hear there is going to be a new director for the next twilight film. i plan on sending them the following formal complaint:

dear person who is about to lose their reputation as a filmmaker,

run away from this project. run far, far away.

however, if the current effects of the economy are forcing you to take on this movie in order to provide bread for your family, then i suggest you take the following advice into consideration:

1. let the crouching-tiger-hidden-dragon-style running stay in asian films.

2. get a new actress to freaking replace bella swan.

3. also get a new actor for jacob. i thought he was supposed to be attractive?

4. no more random close-ups of eyes and lips. it's not seductive, meaningful, or classy. it's distracting and lame.

5. include at least ONE scene in which someone is HAPPY.

6. change edward's dialogue so he doesn't sound like a creepy stalker. when he told bella he felt "protective" of her and liked "watching her sleep", his face looked more like he wanted to slice her open and display her body organs in glass jars on a shelf. (at least, that's what i assume a creepy stalker would do to their victim)

7. don't expect me to see it unless i am forced to by brainwashing terrorists who bind me to a chair and use bent paperclips to hold my eyelids open.

love,

camille

hate this and i'll love you

today started off as a good day.

i hummed at work
i read something fascinating
i laughed at a funny blog
i had a good, long talk with an excellent friend

all
was
well

until
about five hours ago.

since then i have been in the worst mood ever. in an effort to get to the bottom of my crankiness, i am going to dissect the events of the day. hopefully then i will discover the source of my sourness.

bad thing #1
i was forced to play settlers of catan.
i hate that game.
call me glee-killer.

even more bad thing #2
my life feels stagnant. until i move to paris this fall, i feel like i have no reason to live.

another bad thing #3
i need to lose ten pounds. i'm trying not to pull the "i'm too fat" card, honestly. but it's getting to the point where i just feel really gross. i need more exercise. richard simmons, come rescue me!

worse thing #4
this was the quote of the day on the imdb website. when i read it, i cried inside and mourned the loss of quality film these days.

East High is a place where teachers encouraged us to break the status quo and define ourselves as we choose.

(troy bolton, high school musical 3)

i will go and watch gone with the wind now to recover from this sorry excuse for a movie.

terrible thing #5
i have no clean clothes.

awful thing #6
now i can't sleep. it is 3 am.

awful-est thing #7
i realized that highly inappropriate things that shouldn't make me laugh actually do.

thing #8
i drove my best friend cuh-razy today because i felt like an emotional roller coaster.

great. i've narrowed it down:
i am a glee-killing, out-of-shape, movie-hating, perverted insomniac who has no clean clothes and is rude to her best friend.

if you are feeling sad after reading this, go here to cheer yourself up.

futurism

a few days ago whilst in the distinguished establishment known as panda express, i got a good fortune cookie.
"you will inherit a large sum of money," it said. i was pleased to get an actual fortune. usually i end up with some sort of lame advice or useless fact about my character, like "friends find your demeanor pleasing."
this time, the fates were in my favor and i received a quality cookie.
i got to thinking about the chinese culture--chinese new year and the like. i was born in the year of the snake. according to a website, i am an "earth snake" because of the specific year i was born in.

"Earth Snakes always seem to be calm and content. They’re friendly and approachable and believe that they’ll reap great rewards by working hard and relying on common sense."

this was also amusing:

"Snakes are excellent seducers so they never have trouble attracting others."

after discovering that i was seductive, i decided that zodiacs and horoscopes are pretty much hilarious. and that is why i am providing the following fake horoscopes for your chinese new year signs:

rat
you will fail miserably this week. every morning you will wake up, look in the mirror and wonder "why? why am i a rat?"

ox
this week one of your friends will trade you for a handful of magic beans.

tiger
you lucky person, you. you will have the best week of your life simply because i like tigers. it will be relaxing and fun.

rabbit
rabbits remind me of roadkill, so this week you will die.

dragon
dragons are the greatest of all the animals. this week you will be successful at bossing everyone around and getting exactly what you want, because you scare the crap out of everyone else.

snake
because i am a snake, i know exactly what will happen. we snakes will have perfect weeks. we will get all our work done, make fifty new friends, get a bonus at work, have awesome adventures, relax, and discover a cure for cancer.

horse
this week you will experience great luck. you will find money in the street, win something awesome, and find something you thought was lost. all because horses are big, strong, attractive animals. gee whiz.

goat
since goats will eat anything, this week i predict that you will eat lots of good food. and you won't have to pay for it, either.

monkey
you are a mischievous little person who will steal a golden idol from a forbidden temple.

rooster
you will wake up every morning at the crack of dawn, whether you like it or not.

dog
you are everyone's best friend! you are popular and accountable, so this week everyone will want to hang out with you. in fact, you will get so many invites to do stuff that you will be forced to choose between all your many wonderful friends.

pig
this week you will be extremely lazy and forget to do anything.

i think i'm paranoid

right now--in this very moment as i am typing--i am witnessing a very disgusting act.

hear ye, hear ye!
drew troutner eats food from the trash can!

yes, it is true. he found some peeps in my garbage and promptly took them out and ate them. he claims that because they were "sitting on top" they were not contaminated. i say that garbage is garbage, and peeps are not peeps once they are thrown away. they are TRASH.

i am advising everyone to give mr. troutner at least a five foot radius whenever they happen to come in contact with him. you never know where he's been.