futurism

a few days ago whilst in the distinguished establishment known as panda express, i got a good fortune cookie.
"you will inherit a large sum of money," it said. i was pleased to get an actual fortune. usually i end up with some sort of lame advice or useless fact about my character, like "friends find your demeanor pleasing."
this time, the fates were in my favor and i received a quality cookie.
i got to thinking about the chinese culture--chinese new year and the like. i was born in the year of the snake. according to a website, i am an "earth snake" because of the specific year i was born in.

"Earth Snakes always seem to be calm and content. They’re friendly and approachable and believe that they’ll reap great rewards by working hard and relying on common sense."

this was also amusing:

"Snakes are excellent seducers so they never have trouble attracting others."

after discovering that i was seductive, i decided that zodiacs and horoscopes are pretty much hilarious. and that is why i am providing the following fake horoscopes for your chinese new year signs:

rat
you will fail miserably this week. every morning you will wake up, look in the mirror and wonder "why? why am i a rat?"

ox
this week one of your friends will trade you for a handful of magic beans.

tiger
you lucky person, you. you will have the best week of your life simply because i like tigers. it will be relaxing and fun.

rabbit
rabbits remind me of roadkill, so this week you will die.

dragon
dragons are the greatest of all the animals. this week you will be successful at bossing everyone around and getting exactly what you want, because you scare the crap out of everyone else.

snake
because i am a snake, i know exactly what will happen. we snakes will have perfect weeks. we will get all our work done, make fifty new friends, get a bonus at work, have awesome adventures, relax, and discover a cure for cancer.

horse
this week you will experience great luck. you will find money in the street, win something awesome, and find something you thought was lost. all because horses are big, strong, attractive animals. gee whiz.

goat
since goats will eat anything, this week i predict that you will eat lots of good food. and you won't have to pay for it, either.

monkey
you are a mischievous little person who will steal a golden idol from a forbidden temple.

rooster
you will wake up every morning at the crack of dawn, whether you like it or not.

dog
you are everyone's best friend! you are popular and accountable, so this week everyone will want to hang out with you. in fact, you will get so many invites to do stuff that you will be forced to choose between all your many wonderful friends.

pig
this week you will be extremely lazy and forget to do anything.

i think i'm paranoid

right now--in this very moment as i am typing--i am witnessing a very disgusting act.

hear ye, hear ye!
drew troutner eats food from the trash can!

yes, it is true. he found some peeps in my garbage and promptly took them out and ate them. he claims that because they were "sitting on top" they were not contaminated. i say that garbage is garbage, and peeps are not peeps once they are thrown away. they are TRASH.

i am advising everyone to give mr. troutner at least a five foot radius whenever they happen to come in contact with him. you never know where he's been.

across the universe

working in the library definitely has its perks: use of the copy machine, access to the secret library door, and most of all, looking at all the awesome and crazy books that come through the circulation desk.
here are a few of my favorites:
homosexual behavior in animals: an evolutionary perspective (can you believe it's $150 on amazon?!)
the chick is in the mail (the ugliest cover for a trashy fantasy novel)
the fragrance of her name (just scroll down and read the "product description." HAH)

during the past 19 hours i have come across a plethora of heinous novel covers. two of these include the trashiest fantasy novel covers known to man (more so, possibly, than the chick is in the mail).

trashy cover #1: sword-dancer by jennifer roberson

can you say, "innuendo?" the last time i checked, glowing swords that are inches away from a girl's crotch can only mean one thing.

trashy cover #2: damia by anne mccaffrey

so this image on the left was the best picture i could find to show the detail. let's list the delightful, awful qualities of this novel.
>umm... pet raccoon?
>damia is lucky enough to sit on the surface of a planet in outer space on a stone throne. (hey, that rhymes!)
>creepy man shadow in the background. it's a bit awkward that his eye perfectly fits in the "D."
>damia's pseudo-spiderwoman tights.

but the BEST part of this cover is actually missing. the cover we have in the library is a different edition, and it looks like this one below to the right: (sorry it's small)

props to the cover artists for changing the lettering style of "damia." it looks a lot better in this red, aladdin-type lettering.

anyway, the BEST part that i was referring to is the text in the lower left hand corner. it reads:
"kids, cats, and telepathic... heartwarming."

if that isn't the greatest book review you've ever heard, then slap me twice.

death on two legs

oh phone, how i despise thee!

thy lack of ringing causes lateness to work.
you fall on the ground and get scratched, you jerk.
thy screen is tiny.
thine ringtones are whiny.
you shall be replaced!
i have been disgraced!
i set your alarm every night with great care,
but by morn' you don't ring. how could you dare?
to the depths with thee and thy samsung name!
it is thee, and thee alone that i must blame.

i hate thee with the passion of a thousand nuns.

thy execution is set: today is the date.
i'll buy an alarm clock. i hear they work great.

children of the revolution

the following is a rather amusing texting conversation i had with the 14 year-old brother (who, for my purposes i shall refer to as "child") of my roommate. we joke of our imminent marriage, which is rather amusing since i am considerably older and dating someone else (who, unlike "child," is old enough that it is legal. i shall call legal boy "bruce wayne"). if it makes the story any better, i just learned that today is child's 14 and a half birthday.

camille: child! i'm so glad i'm going to be married to a state swimmer.
child: aw stop your making me blush! :-">
but you will have to get rid of bruce wayne first, cause he's kinda crampin' my style. and also, i'm not really going for a bigamist marriage.
camille: hm. i think we can make this work. bruce wayne gets weekends.
child: no exceptable, maybe he can have half of every other monday in leap year
camille: that's it. we're through. i'll never forget all the amazing times we had together. farewell, child. my love for you will melt with the snow of spring...
child: wait this will work he can have the second tuesday of every week! and i can also sacrifice the 32nd day of every week!
camille: i'll think about it. g'night, swimmer man.
child: i bid thee good night my fair maiden for when the morrow comes i shall see you again!

"no exceptable." that's my favorite part.

congrats bruce wayne, you win.

always on my mind

i

can not

sleep.

anyone know how to hypnotize?