futurism

a few days ago whilst in the distinguished establishment known as panda express, i got a good fortune cookie.
"you will inherit a large sum of money," it said. i was pleased to get an actual fortune. usually i end up with some sort of lame advice or useless fact about my character, like "friends find your demeanor pleasing."
this time, the fates were in my favor and i received a quality cookie.
i got to thinking about the chinese culture--chinese new year and the like. i was born in the year of the snake. according to a website, i am an "earth snake" because of the specific year i was born in.

"Earth Snakes always seem to be calm and content. They’re friendly and approachable and believe that they’ll reap great rewards by working hard and relying on common sense."

this was also amusing:

"Snakes are excellent seducers so they never have trouble attracting others."

after discovering that i was seductive, i decided that zodiacs and horoscopes are pretty much hilarious. and that is why i am providing the following fake horoscopes for your chinese new year signs:

rat
you will fail miserably this week. every morning you will wake up, look in the mirror and wonder "why? why am i a rat?"

ox
this week one of your friends will trade you for a handful of magic beans.

tiger
you lucky person, you. you will have the best week of your life simply because i like tigers. it will be relaxing and fun.

rabbit
rabbits remind me of roadkill, so this week you will die.

dragon
dragons are the greatest of all the animals. this week you will be successful at bossing everyone around and getting exactly what you want, because you scare the crap out of everyone else.

snake
because i am a snake, i know exactly what will happen. we snakes will have perfect weeks. we will get all our work done, make fifty new friends, get a bonus at work, have awesome adventures, relax, and discover a cure for cancer.

horse
this week you will experience great luck. you will find money in the street, win something awesome, and find something you thought was lost. all because horses are big, strong, attractive animals. gee whiz.

goat
since goats will eat anything, this week i predict that you will eat lots of good food. and you won't have to pay for it, either.

monkey
you are a mischievous little person who will steal a golden idol from a forbidden temple.

rooster
you will wake up every morning at the crack of dawn, whether you like it or not.

dog
you are everyone's best friend! you are popular and accountable, so this week everyone will want to hang out with you. in fact, you will get so many invites to do stuff that you will be forced to choose between all your many wonderful friends.

pig
this week you will be extremely lazy and forget to do anything.